Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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