Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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