I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
