I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
