you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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