Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
