ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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