Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I queefed so loud it echoed.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
