dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
