You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
