mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
