her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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