No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
