If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
