those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I smell like Dick and happiness
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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