Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
