woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
