i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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