Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize