Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize