I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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