New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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