So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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