Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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