Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
ugly people sure do ruin things
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
