My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
