My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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