he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
