I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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