I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
