I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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