You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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