yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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