I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
i think i just lost a toe
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
