just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
