I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
