I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
