Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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