she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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