Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
