I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I am mentally ready for anal.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
