Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
