He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
