After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
