So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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