and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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