So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
