paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
