so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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