May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
