I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
