Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
