I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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