I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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