and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Come see our sink grown plant.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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