I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
