i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
