it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
