In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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