The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize