Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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